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9 Things Not To Do With Your Partner This Valentine's



With Valentine's Day just around the corner, you may find yourself planning how to celebrate the occasion with your significant other. This may involve buying flowers from the nearest supermarket, selecting overpriced cards on Moonpig, or finding a last-minute restaurant reservation. Even if you splash the cash and secure a table, you'll probably get indigestion because another couple is waiting for your spot. Despite these challenges, it's important to remember that there are worse things you could be doing instead.

 

Eating Out: Mai's Noodle Stall, Meat Grinder (2009) 

Revenge is often a dish best-eaten cold. A young man searching for his fiancé in 1970s Thailand confronts Buss, a troubled woman haunted by memories of a horrific upbringing. Pushing Buss too far, he's brutally dealt with, tacked to a wooden floor by his fingernails, and left to marinade for the foreseeable future. As he tries to escape, a riot on the streets outside her home offers Buss a unique business opportunity – the lifeless body of a man dumped in her noodle cart. He's the missing ingredient to her new business venture - her own noodle shop. 

 

A Few Drinks: Local Bar, The Ordeal (2004) 

Many couples like to recreate their first date. That doesn't sound very exciting to me, probably because most of mine involve going to the pub and conversing until I drink too much, take over the tète-à-tète and sound like an idiot. It's a shame I didn't take a date to the swampy Hautes Fagnes region of Liège. Girls like dancing. And here, in this quaint little bar hidden in a remote village, the punters love to dance. Sadly, they aren't so fond of women, but if the date's going badly, that may not be such a bad thing. Ensure you know where the door is, and don't eat the meat. 

 

Staying In: Aunt Mai's Rejuvenation Dumplings, Dumplings (2004) 

It sounds like the perfect present - lovely food and your dearly beloved gets to stay young and pretty forever. The trouble is, you'll taste the difference with this dish, seeing as the chef once aborted over ten foetuses a day. Her own best advertisement, she may be, and yes, it seems to work wonders, but will your valentine be able to swallow such a unique selling point, let alone the dish? It's not like you could try another flavour, seeing as "boys don't get aborted in China."   

 

Short Break: New Orleans Hotel, The Beyond (1981) 

How about spending Valentine's in a picturesque hotel in one of the world's most fascinating cities? Steeped in a history of influences from Europe, the Caribbean, Africa and beyond, New Orleans is a brilliant mosaic of culture, food and music. Your hotel, situated amidst the sea of darkness, is just as memorable. It is, after all, one of the seven gateways to hell, so don't forget your camera. You'll never want to leave, which is just as well because you'll be trapped here for eternity. Zombies, tarantulas and a pet Alsatian add to the hotel's unique charm, and seeing as you'll never be able to leave, you won't have to worry about the mini-bar bill either. Result. 

 

Night Out: Parma Opera House, Opera (1987) 

Why not do something a little bit different? Going to the theatre is all good, but Chicago is full of scantily clad women, The Lion King is about a bunch of grown-ups wearing animal masks, and Dirty Dancing isn't on anymore. How about going to the opera, where actual ravens fly about all over the gaff and a set of lights that drop from the auditorium, crushing many who paid for the cheap seats thanks to metal even heavier than the soundtrack? Andrew Lloyd Webber has nothing on Dario Argento. 

 

A Few Drinks: Dragon Inn, Dragon Inn (1992) 

How about finishing a pleasant evening out with your spouse with a quick drink at the Dragon Inn? Sounds nice, doesn't it? Why not go during the Ming Dynasty, just as Tsao Sui Yan, a power-hungry leader of East Chamber, intends to destroy the rebelling clans by using a traitorous woman's children as bait? It sure beats talking. Besides, you won't be able to hear yourself speak because tonight it's busy. The two warring factions have turned up, there's a storm brewing outside, and the proprietor hopes to cash in. She probably didn't plan on a barbeque, though. 

 

Eating Out: Local Bar/Restaurant, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) 

It's busy. Lots of blokes. It would be best if we sit upstairs, away from the rabble. Look, there's a free table next to that lady dining alone. The steamed cod and meatballs look pretty nice. And she's got some shark fin soup David was banging on about. I hope she wasn't stood up on Valentine's. Oh, great, who are these guys? We've just sat down. I'm not moving. He calls himself Iron Arm. That's what happens when you're single for so long. Leave the poor girl alone. She's not interested. The girlfriend doesn't look happy. She wants me to do something. I might have to step in… 

 

Eating In: Pan's Pad, Pan's Labyrinth (2006) 

Your partner has served up a meal to end all meals. Every dish you could dream of sits right before you. The trouble is, so does the pale man, a hideous monster with no eyes catching his beauty sleep. Then you steal a scallop, and all hell breaks loose. The creature jerks into life, reaching for his eyes (you've nicked one, who knew?) before inserting them into the palms of his hands. What follows is a nerve-shredding chase through the corridors. Luckily, he's been blinded by a delicious shellfish, so you'll probably manage to escape, even if your sanctuary is the harsh realities of the Civil War. 

 

Eating Out: Local Restaurant, The Protector (2005) 

If you want to eat scorpions and other tasty morsels, booking your table early is wise. Late-comers will arrive to find the entire building destroyed by just one man. Tony Jaa. Never will you poke fun at a man wearing a scarf again, and if you have his elephants, you may as well skip straight to the crème brulee. But if you hate the food - don't worry - even the chef gets it. Sometimes, eight minutes of pleasure is more than enough. It's all in the wrists. I mean fists. 

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