Where do you start? Maybe 1996 and that frustrating night at Wembley, where all Gazza had to do was not assume the keeper was going to get a touch, stick out his other leg and slide the ball into an empty net to send us through to the Euros final.
Or maybe moments later, when Gareth Southgate scuffed his penalty and football, suddenly, was no longer coming home. Instead of facing the straightforward task of defeating the Czech Republic in the final, England had to watch Germany come from behind to win 2-1 and lift the famous trophy.
Then there was David Beckham. I consider him the greatest player to grace an England shirt during my lifetime. Not so much in 1998, when Beckham childishly lashed out at Diego Simeone in retaliation. Beckham was sent off and despite a gutsy defensive performance from the three lions, we went on to lose – you guessed it – on penalties.
In 2006, another sending off had a very similar outcome. This time, Wayne Rooney’s challenge was barely yellow, but Manchester United teammate Christiano Ronaldo got involved, goaded Rooney, took a dive and England’s top goalscorer was walking. Ronaldo’s famous wink to the Portugal bench enraged England fans across the world, and when the winning spot-kick fell to him, as ardent England supporters, we already knew the oppressive outcome.
Four years later, another game against Germany and another, did it cross the line or didn’t it, debate. Well, this time, unlike 1966, it clearly did. England trailed 2-1 at this point and had Frank Lampard’s brilliant strike been given, the game could and would’ve been a different story. Instead, we went on to lose 4-1 and were eliminated at the last 16 stage.
Need I go on? In 2007, we failed to qualify for Euro 2008 after losing against Croatia at Wembley. We only needed a point. Goals from Lampard and Crouch got us back on track, only for Mladen Petric to fire home from 25 yards and break England's hearts.
It was a similar story in 2000. Once again, only a draw was needed, but a late penalty from Romanian substitute, Ioan Ganea, sent Kevin Keegan’s England packing. The blame, this time, fell at Phil Neville’s clumsy feet. His unfathomable challenge in the 89th minute prompted referee Urs Meier to point to the spot and that was that.
Four years later, in 2004, we actually made it to the Euros, but Sol Campbell’s late header against Portugal in the quarter-finals was wrongly disallowed. Predictably, we lost on penalties. In 1986, Maradona’s infamous goal still leaves a sour taste. Let’s leave that one there.
Last but not least, a necessary reminder as we approach the game against Denmark. A bright start against Iceland at the last 16 stage of Euro 2016 was undone when Ragnar Sigurdsson’s shot trickled past Joe Hart to give the Scandinavians a shock lead. After that, we froze. Did nothing. It was torture. It was arguably the worst result and performance in England’s history.
England’s greatest footballing performances
There have been some good moments, of course. Ukraine at this year’s competition and Panama three years ago could’ve provided the next ‘Iceland’ moment. Instead, a 4-0 thrashing with Kane back amongst the goals, and a dominant 6-1 drubbing respectively, proved that under Southgate we could actually beat the teams we were meant to beat (no small thing).
Other moments to celebrate:
Gazza’s goal against Scotland in 1996
England’s 4-1 victory against the Netherlands, also in 1996
Against Columbia in 2018, when we actually won a shootout
Revenge against Argentina in 2002, courtesy of David Beckham’s first-half penalty
One-man team, David Beckham, and his sublime free-kick in stoppage time against Greece, securing qualification
David Platt's last-gasp volley in extra time against Belgium
Owen’s hatrick and England thrashing Germany 5-1 in their own backyard.
Sadly, they’re few and far between, and that’s why I have an unjustified dislike for anyone who has only been following England over the last couple of years. It’s not their fault. It’s me with the problem. I’m old. I watch children on television chanting ‘It’s coming home’ and it makes me angry. Really angry.
They don’t deserve these moments. They don’t deserve to sit through a quarter-final, four goals to the good, bored and wondering if there’s a good film on. That’s not the English way. If England’s failure was a job, any one of these children would be turned down for a lack of experience. They wouldn’t even get an interview.
It’s selfish, for sure, and I hate myself because of it. But I’ve been raised on 44 years of heartbreak, and with every tournament, I hope this might be our year, only for a sending off, penalty miss or lapse in concentration to ruin the dream. All I want is to experience a final. Maybe win it. Okay, definitely win it, but I’ll take another boring 4-0 against Denmark right now.
This isn’t a COVID thing either. Yes, we’re fed up with talking about politics and lockdowns, but the pandemic has nothing to do with it. I’m fed up with talking about our failures on the football pitch. I don’t want to relive 1996 every year for the rest of my life.
Anyway, I’m trying to say that if England does the unthinkable and wins the tournament, no matter how old you are, celebrate. Celebrate hard. But if you’re young, or this football thing is new to you, spare a thought for the seasoned professionals, of which there are many.
We’ve waited a long time for this moment. We deserve this moment. Allow us to enjoy it. And if we cry, even though we didn’t cry at the birth of a child, on our wedding day or about the death of a relative, don’t judge us. We can’t explain it either.
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