We all deserve a holiday after the last sixteen months. Let’s face it – it’s been hell. But with travel rules continually changing, is it worth it? Going abroad is about as confusing as falling asleep through Don’t Look Now (1973) and waking up during Antichrist (2009).
But that got me thinking. If, like me, you love horror movies, which locations could you escape to where the prices won’t bleed you dry but the friendly natives might.
Your challenge, if you choose to accept it: can you name all the films?
Spain
If you’re seeking an island getaway, go for the peace and quiet of pretty Almanzora, where the stunning scenery is wrapped up in a great big warm welcome. There’s something for everyone here.
Check out the piazza, the bars and the stores – all completely deserted. Walk around the cobbled streets and witness a little girl beating an old man to death with his cane. Or, just kick back by the harbour, as swarms of children attack you and your boat. There’s never a dull moment.
You may even be allowed to participate in one of the local traditions – an innocent game of human piñata. Child-friendly, Almanzora will make all your dreams come true (not suitable for heavily pregnant women).
Belgium
There’s a good reason you won’t have heard a lot about Belgium holidays. Belgium doesn’t like to boast. Small, beautiful and sophisticated, Belgium has a naughty glint in its eye – you can tell Audrey Hepburn was born here. And if you head for the swampy Hautes Fagnes region of Liège, you’ll probably die here.
Perfect for hiking, biking and bags of fresh air, but not so good if your car breaks down, or for females in general, the isolated community of animal-lovers will welcome you at the local bar with a song and a dance like you’ve never seen before – a truly memorable and haunting holiday awaits.
France
From romantic Paris to the rolling vineyards of Champagne, the vast beaches of Brittany to the sun-drenched fields of the Loire, France promises to tantalise and tickle your holiday taste buds like nowhere else.
The cities are spellbinding but why not venture further afield to one of France’s rural retreats? There, you’ll make friends to last a lifetime and unexpected romance could certainly be on the cards.
Each property welcomes pets, especially of the cat and mouse variety, while romantic settings could certainly go to your head. Dine at the truck-stop restaurant with a menu devoted to local produce, sip a classic Burgundy served by the neighbourly bartender or simply step away from the cut-throat world and soak up the quiet life you probably thought was implausible.
Germany
Fairy-tale buildings nestling in pine-scented forests, beer festivals of epic proportions and an unrivalled love of David Hasselhoff aren’t the only things you’ll discover in this vibrant and varied country. Mountains, lakes and woods will get you reaching for those hiking boots, while the wildlife – with its stunning array of arthropods – will leave you with a lump in your throat.
A truly unique experience, holidays to Germany come in all shapes and sizes, but it’s the friendliness of the people that will capture your heart, with each member of the community coming together to make your trip so magical, helping to form the longest lasting memories.
Uruguay
One of the most economically developed countries in South America, noted for its low levels of corruption, Uruguay was ranked by Reader’s Digest as the ninth most liveable and greenest country in the world, so why not take your family and venture further afield to sample its delights?
Stay in one of its recently renovated properties, away from it all. A slow-paced environment with picture-perfect woodland – don’t leave your Polaroid camera at home – yearning to be explored, but only if you can drag yourself away from such beautiful accommodation. Even if you do, you’re sure to go back inside straight away.
Norway
Jotunheimen is a mountain area in southern Norway, covering an area of roughly 3,500 square kilometres, featuring delights such as Norway’s highest mountain Galdhøpiggen, waterfalls, rivers, lakes, glaciers, luxuriant valleys and Nazi zombies.
Some of Europe’s most spectacular hiking is here and ideally suited for cross-country and alpine skiers, cyclists and climbers who enjoy the experience of being hunted down by the walking dead before retiring to their hotel up in the mountains.
The hotel, oozing seventies charm, is managed by a slightly reserved gentleman whose hobbies include stalking and slashing stereotypes. Snowmobiles, pickaxes and chainsaws are supplied for your pleasure, so why not hang around – intestines provided – and enjoy the wondrous nature and blood-stained snowy landscapes.
Optional extras include tutorials in amputation, first aid with gaffer tape and how to survive an avalanche.
Australia
A holiday in Australia will tick all the right boxes. The beaches can be wild and surf-pounded or gently lapping shores where the waves would barely tickle a toddler, while diverse landscapes, from the immense, fire-coloured Australian outback to wondrous rainforests, will delight.
Wolf Creek National Park is another highlight. Here, you’ll visit amazing wild forces of nature and if you’re really lucky, a local bushman called Mick Taylor can be seen frolicking in this baron location.
Partial to backpackers, passports, large knives and abandoned mining sites, the helpful little critter is best viewed from a distance, but if you do have the privilege of meeting him face to face, whatever you do, don’t drink the water.
New Zealand
New Zealand is a land of inspiring landscapes and welcoming people where adventure comes naturally. For the first time, a unique farming experience awaits at Oldfield Farm, including bed and breakfast.
Watch as sheep are sheared and then have a go yourself. Hand-feed the various animals – don’t bark at them – before being prepared for dinner.
Not for the faint-hearted, or for anyone with ‘sheep-phobia’, this holiday is ideal for anyone interested in genetic engineering experiments that go terribly wrong, or for those keen to see whether sheep can work brake pedals.
Hong Kong
If you could imagine the perfect holiday you would probably conjure up blazing sunshine, coral reefs and sands softer and whiter than anything you’ve ever witnessed, throwing in eye-popping delights such as mighty temples and spectacular buildings.
Instead, we offer you the playground of the damned, ghosts’ bridge and an embryo tunnel. The forest of Hang, with its falling dead bodies and long-necked zombies, is another highlight.
Sucking you into the strangest of spheres, this trip delivers such transports of delights you’ll confine all your previous holidays to the trash, hypnotised by such a haunting locale. There certainly won’t be any time to finish that book!
Japan
From the stunning sights of Hokkaido in the temperate north to the sub-tropical islands of Okinawa in the south, Japan is one of the most rewarding locations. The calm of Japan’s Zen temples, the majesty of its ancient castles and the peaceful beauty of Mount Fuji will astonish with their magnificence.
Visiting unspoilt areas of natural beauty with secluded country walks, you’ll stay in some welcoming traditional accommodation. Even if you’re not the outdoor type, there are still plenty of activities to enjoy, from gurning competitions to hairstyling, directing your own movie to watching cursed videotapes.
Or you can let your hair down and spend the day in one of the country’s many wells, visit a psychic medium and explore the neighbouring volcanic island. Whatever you decide to do, they’ll be nothing more rewarding than putting your feet up at the end of the evening to watch a bit of small-screen entertainment (due to problems in the past, it’s advisable to always turn the television off before bed).
Films: Who Can Kill A Child? (1976), The Ordeal (2004), Switchblade Romance (2003), The Pack (2010), The Human Centipede (2009), The Silent House (2010), Cold Prey (2006), Dead Snow (2009), Wolf Creek (2005), Black Sheep (2006), Re-cycle (2006), Ringu (1998).
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